Sunday night, late. As I let myself relax and the writing comes, I think about some big old realizations that have come my way recently.

I realize how much I have changed and how different my life is - from last year, last month, last week and even yesterday. Every day is something new - a possibility, a challenge, a love.

I realize what I can do and how I can be in this lifetime. And then I realize that I let all of that go and something even more fulfilling takes its place.

I realize the unconditional love that my 15 year old pooch has for me. On a recent return from a week in Ottawa, he would not allow me to be more than 5 feet from him and he followed me relentlessly everywhere I went. His gorgeously handsome face would pop up and he would look at me longingly if I even went anywhere near a pair of shoes. He would stalk me to the door, body in a low stance, head leading towards the door - all knowing that he isn't allowed to rush the door - but a bright, glimmer of hope in his eyes that he would be allowed to join me -whereever I was going. And in this realization, my unconditional love for him is deepened and returned.

I realize that I can do just about whatever it is that I put my mind to. Now, to make friends with the remaining fears and contractions within my small self to open even further.

I also realize what amazing beautiful friends that I have in my life. Nomali - you are a true gift and inspiration to me. Your feisty, fiery compassion and intelligence are things I can only aspire too. Lisa - your kindness and willingness to listen to me - whereever I am in life - is so appreciated. Your willingness to share all that you are with honesty and integrity is a gift that few can live up to. Now, to find a way to share your Buddha Squares with the world! Mike - what can I say........ you've taught me more and opened me to more experiences than I could write about here. Your love, friendship and encouragement have helped me become who I am today! Elliott- as usual, you saved the day for me today. Your limitless generousity and your faith in me - all I can say is - Gratitude.....

I guess that I could go on and on. But I need some sleep. The realizations continue to pour in - and I'm expecting them to inform my dreams tonight.

Much Love and Sweet Dreams,
Lisa

Universal Flow vs. Taking the Leap........

Ah - funny how you get (manifest) what you most need in life. I'm getting the messages loud and clear. But am I willing to let them sink deeply into my bones and become one with me or will fear cause me to shed them like water off a ducks back????

Yesterday morning, I was on the freeway, heading over to meet my beautiful colleague Darla. I was listening to “Kosmic Consciousness” for the ump-teenth time, absorbing Ken’s thoughts on the shadow and the subpersonalities that can develop as we climb the spiraling ladder of development. As I drove through a complex interchange, one of the numerous bridges overhead had a banner posted on the fencing that encompassed the pedestrian walkway. It read “LOVE IS DEAD”.

Being in a relatively opened and contemplative state –I immediately thought about the individual who may have posted it. Someone who had lost their connection with spirit or maybe had a falling out with a loved one. So many reasons a person might “feel” this – but what on earth had happened that they had the desire to post it over the freeway? Was it a message for someone in particular or was it for everyone? I thought of the feelings of solitude and abandonment this person might be feeling and my heart went out to this person. If love is dead in the eyes and experience of this person – what is their motivation for living?

How might this banner effect other drivers who are speeding under it – on their way to work, going home, meeting friends, going to a group meeting, going to church, etc. Would others resonate with the thought that “Love is Dead”? Would they laugh at it? Feel it in their hearts, in their gut? Would they rebel and go home and shower their spouse with kisses? Or might they agree with it and feel angry, unloved and unappreciated?

I then wondered what meaning this “Love is Dead” banner held for me personally and why I had noticed it/why it manifested in my life. One thought is that it was to remind me of all of the pain and suffering in the world that surrounds me – giving me motivation to radiate a little more love, a little more kindness and a little more compassion. Another thought was the appreciation I have for all of the love and support that I receive in my life – moment to moment. And although I’d love to deny it – I think it is a reminder for me to continue looking at my own shadow elements that exists surrounding love – and what part of my being might resonate – ever so slightly resonate, with the notion that “Love is Dead.” Is it there? Is there a part of me – a teeny, tiny part of me that is in agreement? Do I dare own up to the fact that some part of my being sees this? Agrees with this? Feels this? Has felt this? Residual? Old or New?

So, why do I struggle so often with the deluded perception that I am separate from anyone or anything? When I know and have experienced the connectedness with it all - why does this dreaded delusion continue to creep on in?

I feel so egotistical and self-centered so much of the time. It seems to enhance the struggle of letting go and of being with the true suchness of things.

I just returned from a week of Integral Life Practice at I-I. What an amazing experience. It was my 4th or 5th seminar with them - and I always come away feeling depth, connection, love, open, oneness - all of that - and none of that. Yeah, the words do not define the love and oneness.....

Coming home - the drastic change in center of gravity - is always a shock to my system. The absence of the love and support - or maybe it is more accurate to say that it is the reduction of love and support and the seeming inability of people to be accepting of differences. It's always a bit of a smack in the face. Makes me want to love everyone more. To hold them and to love them and to provide that mirror so that they can see themselves, who they are and maybe even who they want to be....Like we do with our clients in a therapy session or with our loved ones  - holding them and being with them whereever they are, non-judgementally. Sharing their experience instead of contracting to it, no matter how painful it is, no matter how many difficult memories it may bring up. And to share the love and joy that they feel - without envy or jealousy - and to wish them well.

And yet, everything evens out a bit. I either find a way to fit back in with my new-found openness or I regress and go back to the same life that I had before I left. I'm choosing option #1.

I hold the Lion's Paw

Whenever I dance.

 

I know the ecstasy of the falcon's wings

When they make love against the sky.

 

And the sun and moon

Sometimes argue over

Who will tuck me in at night.

 

If you think I am having more fun

Than anyone on this planet

You are absolutely correct.

 

But Hafiz

Is willing to share all his secrets

About how to befriend God.

 

Indeed, dear ones,

Hafiz is so very willing

To share all his secrets

About how to know the

Beautiful

One.

 

I hold the Lion's Paw whenever I dance.

I know the ecstasy of your heart's wings

When they make love against the Sky.

 

And the sun and moon

Will someday argue over

Who will tuck you in at

Night!

                                                          - Hafiz

 

  Last night, as I returned from my pilgrimage to Columbus, I recalled a vivid memory from childhood. I remembered being curled up in the back seat of the car, watching the sky as my parents drove home from a July family vacation. I had asked my Father how the moon knew where to find me, because every time I opened my eyes, it was following me.

A similar sensation came to me last night. It was almost midnight and I was just heading home. As I drove, I kept catching glimpses of something close to the horizon line. It was the moon - so big, so red, and so very close. It was vivid, radiant and it had this amazingly vibrant, pulsating red hue. I felt like I could reach out and touch it, hold it in my hands and call it my own.

As I contemplated this beautiful scarlet orb and why it was following me yet again so many years later, my consciousness shifted to present day and to the rich symbolism before me. That big red moon was my very own heart. My heart, which had been taken through a myriad of emotions that very same day. A journey through joy, pain, love, anxiety, and back to love again. I am so touched when I think of the people who helped me learn and grow yesterday - facilitating a move from the ultimately painful to the beauty in all that is. The words "gratitude" and "service" and "humble" come to mind - yet none are adequate or sufficient. Darkness became light. Fear became possibility. Uncertainty became confidence. I melted and reconstituted, became disorganize and reorganized to a healthier, more complete being. Again, words fail to describe the kind, gentle beings whose hands supported me through the day (and who facilitated that luscious melting!) Through that receiving, it became easier to support others. At one point in the day, while waiting to be served at a juice bar, the juicer exploded - spewing carrots and wheat grass everywhere. Rather than getting angry or upset, it was incredibly humorous to have bits of orange and green on my face, in my hair and covering my shirt. And I didn't think twice when the little old man with the stringy grey hair held out a towel for me to help him clean the bits from his face and hair. As strange as that may sound, it was beautiful to have him reach out to me -  a total stranger and it was such a gift to assist him, even in such a small way.

I guess I'd like to end by thanking my old friends who were so attentive and caring. And also - to thank my new friend - who was responsible for most of the melting. I send you a very deep, very gracious bow!

With love that humbles me down to my toes,
Lisa

For some reason, the creative juices are flowing and all I want to do is write. (Noms can attest to that - with all of my deep, wordy and meandering emails which explain the meaning of - well - NOTHING!!! ;-) I just can't help myself lately!)

I've been working like a dog - too too much. It's taking it's toll on me physically. Making me achey and exhausted and really in need of a vacation. The good news is - a short trip to Columbus to meet some old (and new) friends is on its way this weekend! (Not to mention getting some much needed/much appreciated bodywork!) I'll spend some time with a beautiful healer, a party-boy/cohort in crime, and an old acquiantance who has become a wonderful resource and maybe even a new friend.

And next week is another joyfully joyous trip out to Boulder. I have no idea how I've got this great karma which allows me to spend so much time with a group of people that I love more than anything in the world. I'm attending a week long seminar on Integral Life Practice (part 2) - so I'll spend the week working on different lines of development - from cognitive to emotional (that is the hard part) to interpersonal (that is the fun part) to the spiritual (that is the deep part) to the physical (which can be the most fun of all!) The week will be spent working on growing and developing all of these areas, while at the same time, completely irradicating all of them. (Interesting mix, huh?!)  It's like throwing a rave at a zen sesshin with your psychotherapist and your personal trainer - and bringing Ken Wilber and company along for the ride....

Going out to Boulder - whether it is for work or play or to grow at a seminar - it always feels like I am loading myself into one of those medieval catapults and pulling the release lever. It forces me to fly and to let go of all expectations as to where I am going to land. I always end up in a foreign country that I've never been to before. And although it always takes awhile to become familiar with the landscape, the language and the culture and customs - it is exhilarating - the entire ride as well as the impact when I hit the ground and it continues - on - forever.......

All I can say is - Noms and Rollie - get ready for some late-night-in-the-office-bellydancing!

 Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite!

 

It is an interesting time and there is so much change going on in my life right now. Work has been chaotic and challenging with all of the rapid growth and the challenges that go along with it. The frantic pace has been making me question this career choice. Is the constant pressure to achieve more and more and more, good for my health? (Not to mention all of the extra hours, and coming home exhausted and stressed?)And what about my level of service? Not that I don't give my best every single day - I do. But the issue seems to be more about HOW I am serving.

This prompted some self-inquiry and reflection about my current work situation. I feel confident that I'm making a valuable contribution. But while managing people and projects in a large office environment does serve the business and the individuals, it falls short in depth. As I drove through the campus of a small, local college on my lunch hour today, I observed groups of children attending day camp. This inspired memories of my days doing art therapy with beautiful children who had some very challenging situations. The genuine love, growth, and creativity (not to mention the incredible art work) was such a gift - for them and for me.

Truly - the most fulfilling time of my life was spent working with these children who were burdened with so many limiting, stigmatizing labels, with senior citizens who had lived all of their  many years with developmental delays and mental retardation, and with artistic adults, who strugged with personal and creative issues.

So I ask myself - why do I continue to do this office job when there is something else out there that makes me so happy? I can rationalize the hell out of it and acknowledge that I do truly love and care about the development of those people who I work with and who report to me. The security and stability of this position has translated in many freedoms in my life - from paying for graduate school to traveling to integral training to spiritual practices to new shoes. But is that enough? And what happens if I let a certain amount of that security and stability go? Can I make it on my own? Am I ready for a career change? And is a change in careers necessary to accomplish my true life's work?

Then comes the myriad of deeper thoughts. How do I know what that true life's work is? Is it working with people as a therapist or coach? Is it creating and getting my art work out there and inspiring others in that way? Is it working for a non-profit whose goal is ultimately to increase consciousness? Or is it being a wife and mother and loving and supporting a family?

So many choices. So many options. I am blessed beyond belief. Confused beyond belief too. Lots of work to do and even more time spent sitting with this. And the hardest part - not contracting to the overwhelming feeling that accompanies it all. I think I just might create permanent cheek imprints in my cushions over this one.........;-)

How sweet the night... Long forgotten memories of being creative in this small town are revived with relish. Beautiful friends and intriguing conversation mixed with children’s laughter and chilled wine. A cool breeze assists wonton bubbles over rooftops. What are we going to do now? Good-bye. Have a safe trip! Fits of giggles and whirling dervishes. Visiting reds and robins, slyly avoiding Crookshanks, who makes up for his party-crashing by kindly cleaning morsels from the patio. Don’t chew on the motorcycle or it’s the stockade for you. Questions, queries, curiousity and delicious dialogue. Sweet girls, stretching high for comfort. Tender-hearted boys with amazing talents. Relaxation amidst it all. Sparks of vivid, life-changing opportunities. Increasing consciousness. Loving to infinity.

 It has been raining endlessly. As I step out onto the porch, getting ready to make my journey to work, I hear it. Its methodical, melodic rhythm as it touches the trees, the ground, the puddles. I step out into it. Just enough to feel a few droplets on my skin, the gentle mist enveloping me. So crisp, so clean. As I breathe in, deeply, soulfully, down to my toes, I sink a little. Just a litte. My heartbeat slows - almost imperceivable. My skin becomes enlivened, awakened. Energy. Vibration.

And then it happens - the fabric of reality - vivid and clear - begins to waiver. It ripples, swells, undulates. It begins its dance of disintegration, a gentle, beautiful disappearing act.

I feel it. Feel it. But it is not me feeling. It is just feeling. Feeling. Freedom, fluidity, melting, melted. Nothingness. Everythingness.

At that very moment, something happens. A movement, a stirring. A contraction........ A thought.

Sigh.... I'm back.